This writer’s woes…

Ghostwriter
(they don’t know who I am)

“Hey, I read your article in (insert name of magazine here)!  It was good! I didn’t know you write…”

I get that every now and then.  Some friend or classmate from long ago will send me a message from out of the blue, telling me that he or she read an article that I wrote.  Most likely, an article from long ago, as well.   I used to write regularly for a local parenting magazine (until the company folded up).  And then I made use of my ‘connections’ and submitted to other parenting magazines and wrote freelance.

all stacked up…

I chose to write about parenting because I am such an expert basically, for the past 13 years, that’s what I have been focusing my energy and attention on… Being a parent.  I can’t say I am the perfect mom, but boy, do I try hard to be a good one.  I write about parenting to extend whatever knowledge — or help — that I can to other parents who may be in need. 

I haven’t written anything of value for quite some time now.  Sigh.  The last write-up I submitted was supposed to be out six or so months ago.  Or so I thought.  After following it up with the editor I sent it to — and buying a copy of the magazine every month since the time I sent the article, I lost all hope already that it will get printed in this lifetime.  Double sigh.

Truth be told, I can’t help but cringe whenever someone asks me what I do and I answer, “I’m a writer.”  I feel that I am only as good as my last published article… and since I haven’t been published lately, then I don’t feel good enough.  Maybe I can say, “I’m a fake writer.”

***

once upon a dreary time…

Oh, but I have been living a writer’s life — or at least the impression of how a writer’s life should be.  I stay in front of the computer for long hours, hoping, wishing, praying for sudden inspiration…  I drink lots of coffee… I go out midday so I can have a change in atmosphere… My room just suddenly feels stuffy and I don’t get inspired so I go out to have a change in perspective… Also to get more coffee…I watch the people I see, hoping to derive something from their actions… sometimes I end up just watching them for the fun of it.  No new article, no new lesson learned, maybe a bit of gossip here and there (Pathetic, I know!).

my props

I bring a notebook everywhere I go.  I have about 3 pens in my bag to make sure that I am ready when that sudden inspiration strikes and I have to jot something down.  Most often than not, I end up listing down my expenses for the week — and then I close the notebook right away.  Who wants to be reminded of expenses, anyway? 

I have my own laptop — this precious thing that I use for my blogs — and sometimes I bring it to complete my “writer look.”  Picture me: Coffee shop, alone, pensive look, cup of coffee and salad on the side, typing away on my laptop, writing the next bestseller — or best article.  See, I can fake it!  I really can.

But where’s the article?  Zilch. Nada. None.

***

Share!!!

I don’t know if it is the lack of inspiration or my lack of self-belief.  I have always been a shy writer.  I don’t advertise myself.  I don’t even tell my friends that I blog!  Sometimes I get so tempted to hit the “share in Facebook”  button… but I can’t.  I tell myself that people will find my blog — whether by chance or by some divine intervention– if they are destined to find it.Same thing with the articles I write.  I don’t go around broadcasting to the world that “Hey, I got published today!!”  I am just too shy… or maybe I don’t like my work to be judged by someone I know.

Talk about the “I’m not good enough” syndrome.  Maybe, inadvertently, I am pushing away future writing projects by projecting to the world — to the air,  or to whatever — that I don’t think I am a good enough writer.

***

It’s time for some changes.  Maybe I’ll get denied or rejected in the process — like I have been several times before — but then if I want to see a freshly published work, then I have to start somewhere, right?  I have to be bold enough, brave enough, I have to look up the contacts that can help me this time around.

But first I have to start with myself.  I cannot get published if I don’t write.

Shhh… i’m concentrating…

Note to self:  You cannot make others believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself first.

**********

credits: all photos taken from google images

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