Sometimes there comes a point in life when though you know you are good at something — you know you have the talent — you just don’t know how to make good use of it. And so you wait and wait for that perfect time for you to start bringing out or showing people your worth… but for some reason, you just aren’t inspired enough, or you struggle. You struggle with yourself. You begin to doubt if you really are good enough. You doubt your capabilities. You start asking yourself if your talents are meant to be shared.
It’s like a vicious cycle. The more you doubt yourself, the less output you will have, if at all. And the less you create, the more you doubt yourself.
I am at this point in my life quite conflicted. I am in that cycle.
I began my love affair with writing when I was 12, I used to write poems and short stories… mostly for my friends’ entertainment or mine. I was — and still am– a shy writer. I feel uneasy whenever someone reads my work.
I started getting published in the mid-90’s. I wrote several pieces for a men’s mag. Since I was young and single and
searching and dating at that time, I wrote about relationships. Yup, I was the expert (you think?!).
When I had a family, my preoccupations changed… and so I started writing about parenting and family matters. I joined writing contests (and won a couple of times), and I wrote regularly for a parenting magazine. Regularly being about four times a year (the magazine was published quarterly). When people asked me what I do (in life), I say with full pride and confidence, “I’m a writer.”
When said parenting magazine ceased publication, I freelanced for another parenting magazine. Eventually, the second magazine ceased publication as well (I swear, I absolutely had nothing to do with that!).
And my writing career stopped. Just like that. Since I have used the word “cease” a couple of times already, I might as well use it once more. My writing career ceased.
So maybe I submitted a couple of articles for an action and lifestyle magazine (both articles were published, thank you very much), but it just doesn’t feel the same. I mean, I don’t feel the same. I know for a fact that the best articles I wrote were the ones about my family or my son, or my relationships… or how I am as a parent. Writing about having an active lifestyle just wasn’t me. Goodness, I DON’T have an active lifestyle! Most of the time I would rather just go to the spa and have a massage… or stay in front of the TV and watch Criminal Minds.
And so I took a breather from my writing. Got busy with day to day stuff. Busied myself with projects that concern either my son’s academics or his baseball life (yey, active!).
But something’s amiss. I missed writing. I miss being inspired to write. I miss being read. I also miss having to say that I’m a writer without feeling like I’m such a fake.
And I have started doubting myself… and my so-called writing talent.
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I was chatting with my bestfriend-cousin earlier about all these. Basically I was just whining. I was whining about wanting to write and yet not having the inspiration. I was whining about not having another magazine to write for. I was whining about not even having the inspiration to blog. I was whining about not knowing what to do and that I’m starting to get lazy and that I am beginning to question my writing skills.
She asked me what I liked doing and what I wanted to do… and I said I wanted to write. And she replied, “So, write.” She even added, “Write everyday.”
Yes. You will only get somewhere when you make that first step. I have given myself so many reasons for not writing… perhaps it’s about time to rekindle my love for the written word… MY written words.
Some day soon, I will have another work published. Trust me on that. But in the meantime, I might as well savor the joys of blogging.
This is Step 1.
photo credit: MY HP Notebook’s sample picture 🙂